I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
