Where did you get a picture of my penis
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
