if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
