wrigley field is MILF paradise
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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