So drunk its hurt
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
