I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
