At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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