Cold hands, warm shart.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
