Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
