dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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