Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
