I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
so much tequila, so little girl.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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