I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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