so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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