Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
