Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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