I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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