Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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