i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
