I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
