I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
