Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He literally asked permission to hit on me
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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