her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
