There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
