i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
