I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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