Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
