I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
