i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
