dude i'm inner monologue high
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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