Its about making memories worth repressing
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
