Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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