I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
