The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
