Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
