You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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