Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
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I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
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I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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