return my video game
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
