Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
