Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
