Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
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When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
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I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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