I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
