I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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