come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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