yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
