The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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