you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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