I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.