Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
