I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
