I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
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I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize