Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
