Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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