yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
