Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
