What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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