I bet he comes in French.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
