She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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